The Czech science fiction comedy I Killed Einstein, Gentlemen (Zabil jsem Einsteina, panove) starts off with a fairly shocking scene, even by the standards of today: two bearded men locked in the throes of a passionate kiss. It’s a fake-out, we soon learn, a way to introduce both the central premise of the plot — the future has been ravaged by radioactive fallout that has caused women to grow beards — and the fact that this movie is going to have a grand time tweaking its nose at gender expectations, stereotypes, and comfort zones. The comedy is a mix of subtle and slapstick, something like Monty Python meets Charlie Chaplin meets the Marx Brothers, with a bit of Benny Hill-esque sex farce thrown in. Sadly, no one ever pats an old man on the head, though I’m sure Karel Effa (who should have teamed up with HK comedy actor Richard Ng) would have been up for it. Continue reading…
Posted November 16, 2006
This past Saturday (November 11th 2006) was a day at least 4 months in the making. It was somewhere about that long since scriptwriter Karina Jordi provided us with the script/idea we’d need to roll this project in motion, and investors had been nailed down. The project?
Cinema Sewer presents: THE CUMMING OF JIZZUS.
The relatively short 4 hour shoot for the first day of creating this triple X bible story provided some very exciting results. Chelsea Chainsaw directing, myself producing, doing sound (and doing whatever else I could on set to make things go smoothly), and “The Filthy Swede” and Jelena on Camera — deftly capturing all the action.
It looked as if things might have fallen through right off the bat when the guy in charge of getting us a camera, lights, and sound recording equipment totally let us down — for excuses that I never really properly cared to take the time to understand. I’m told that he later had the gall to phone and ask when the shoot was so that he could come by and check it out. This type of shit where you have to rely on other people (who could very well punk out) is the reason I’ve never gone into film making of any kind up to this point. I’ve instead stuck to self-publishing and drawing perverted comics… where I’m the director, actor, cameraman, and distributor. No one to blame for not showing up but myself.
As of last week I was not entirely sure why I’ve given that stance up and begun working on this biblically-themed porn movie project, but it probably has something to do with a few factors. 1) The concept is brilliant (more about that in later set diary installments), 2) Working creatively with Chelsea has an infectious energy about it — one I’m not likely to turn away from, and 3) I started to realize that my stance of being worried about how other people would let me down is one based on fear. Fear is not a good enough reason to not make a fucking awesome porn movie. It’s a lousy excuse, in fact.
We were not to be stopped. Two other cameras appeared thanks to Jelena and her partner , “The Filthy Swede”. Professional set lights were plopped in our lap mere minutes before shooting commenced thanks to a local pornographer who dashed out into that cold rainy evening with equipment in tow to help fellow sleaze merchants make some biblical filth. Much thanks to our star, Matt Daddy Deluxe for hooking that connection up.
Yes, my friends…. Matt Daddy Deluxe with his (some say) legendary performing cock. Long time readers of Cinema Sewer magazine may remember him as the man who wrote the article in issue #12: “I WANT MY DICK TO BUY ME A HOUSE”, an entertaining account of his first days working as a hired dick in the Vancouver porn scene. Now he was trotting in the door and razzing me about my studded leather bracelet. Gawd Bless the M.D.D.
Our lead female performer for the night was the lovely and diminutive Mandy More, a completely cool and relaxed hump-performer who brought with her excellent sex-positive energy, and was totally happy and excited to be a part of the project. Finding performers we personally like, and want to spend time with on (and off) set was voted on as mandatory from the outset — and Miss More fit the bill to a T. (Look for her in coming Cinema Sewer porn productions.)
Last minute changes to the rather hilarious set built with loving care by the lovely Rebecca Dart and myself (which purposefully looked exactly like it was made for a grade 5 play), and we were off and rolling. A topless rule was employed to keep the camaraderie high and the mood filthy, and my pasty white flesh momentarily blinded all who looked upon it. None of the crew had any experience shooting fuck scenes, and none of the cast had any experience shooting non-fuck scenes, but you would have never known it. With a few stutter steps we made it through shooting the dialogue scenes and we were off to the races with some sloppy blowjob action.
Mandy dropped to her knees and buried her face onto Matt’s dong with wild heated abandon, and it was all I could do to keep Chelsea from hooting and catcalling like a drunk horny sailor. We’d all gotten into the wine before hand, although getting professional enough to shoot the greased-up action before us fell in line almost immediately. We were a finely tuned pornographic unit as I closely followed Jelena around, tethered to her camera with the mic and headset — trying not to get into the shot, but also trying to capture every moan and splatting wet-beef noise being sent our way.
Matt expressed concern about our lack of a wig for him, and looked more like a crazy homeless person than Jesus Christ in his beard, but none of this detracted him from spouting off some choice ad libs about sucking for holy water or some equally dubious shit. A computer monitor in the room played bile-filled throat-fucking scenes from a derogatory Max Hardcore film to keep his boner consistently interested.
Previous complaints about noise in Chelsea’s apartment (Hey, the girl likes to play her music — whatchagonnado?) brought some silent concern from me when she decided to loudly smack her knuckles against the wall in place of yelling “Action”, but no landlords arrived at the door to kick our naked lubed-up asses out into the frosty November night — so it was all good.
By the time a couple of fuck-positions had been employed everyone was pretty hot and sweaty under the stage lights. Some great footage was captured, and Matt’s cum shot arced across Mandy’s smiling face like a beacon of prosperity, spattering from forehead to chin. High fives and hugs were then handed out (Chelsea happily mentioned something about Matt’s cum getting on her tits by accident) and the mood was one of communal elation for a sleazy job well done.
Drinking and eating commenced, although Mandy caught a cab immediately to another sleazy gig, and I ran home to get a blowjob. I actually didn’t pop one single boner during the entire shoot. I was just too concentrated on getting the sound and making sure everything was going right. At one point I snapped to while my face was 2 feet from greased up doggy-style cock slamming into Mandy’s pussy, and suddenly realised that I hadn’t even been watching them fuck until that second. It was an odd realisation, and even odder to note that I didn’t get horny until I’d had gotten home and had some time to decompress.
It felt exhilarating to have our porn-making cherries busted in such a nasty/cool environment, and If every day on set goes as well as this, it wouldn’t be unthinkable to say that one or more of the creators of THE CUMMING OF JIZZUS may have stumbled upon a new profession.
More to cum.