The Cultural Gutter

hey, there's something shiny down there...

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." -- Oscar Wilde

SCHOOL IS NOW IN SESSION

Robin Bougie
Posted March 9, 2006

Separating fantasy from pornographic realityOne of my earliest masturbatory fantasies (I have a feeling it may be a common one for many young boys) was the idea of taking part in a sex education class that involved a physical demonstration. Of course meaning: my grade 6 teacher Miss Dawson taking part in various types of sexual activity while perched up on her desk in front of the class.


Yes, it’s unseemly, and I’m absolutely sure my poor teacher would have been horrified that any of her students had ever imagined such a scenario, but oh well — hormonal boys are total little perverts. Or course, this type of primal animalistic activity in the classroom would no doubt lead to a full on sex orgy by the rest of the students, and we’d probably get really kinky homework too.
So with my pubescent fantasies in the back of my mind, I was quite curious to find out if the classic 1972 porn film SCHOOL FOR SEX (which was actually one of the very first hardcore features, and not to be confused with Pete Walker’s 1969 film of the same name) stirred up any of those ol’ demons, and to see exactly how much it differed from my school-boy wet dreams.
Let me tell ya, the ways in which it is differed are many indeed, the main 3 being:
1. This is a school for hairy, stinky-looking, wanna-be porn actor losers that sit around naked and bored looking on a set that only slightly resembles a classroom. And what is with those revolting cutaway closeups that resemble prison mugshots?
2. Unlike Miss Dawson, the teacher “Miss Prude,” stumbles over her meagre dialogue shamelessly, and looks off camera every 20 seconds. She seems totally uninterested in being a teacher, and utterly unable to portray one.
3. Unlike my fantasy which has to do with lessons for the naive about what sex is and how to do it, these are odd lessons on how to apply lip gloss, eye shadow, makeup, how to sit, stand and walk, and how to remove your “underthings.” Borrrrrring.
Expectations dashed, I settled in for the sex scenes, hoping to at least give this film a fair shake by sizing up its merits and cataloguing them for this review. The showcase sex scene takes place between two fairly unattractive women who oil each other up and then engage in some astonishingly unconvincing lesbian sex. The Something Weird catalogue mentioned that this was the “most laughably inept lesbian sex scene” the reviewer had ever witnessed, and that’s not up for much debate when one sees that both girls refuse to actually even touch one another’s hairy sexual organs.
teacherBIG.jpg
FINALLY, something resembling intercourse is kinda taught, but the couple going at it are the example of what you might think of if you daydreamed the ultimate uninspired porn performers. The homely guy (who looks like a CANNED HEAT reject) can’t even come close to a boner, and pathetically squishes his flaccid dong against his practically yawning partner over and over. She takes him into her mouth and gives him a boring, uneventful blowjob, and doesn’t really seem surprised at all that he can’t get any wood for that either.
This entire display brings only one thing to mind, and that is a passage from an article in ye olde ANSWER ME zine #3, entitled “You Turn me off”. It goes a little something like this:
“There is a couple making out in front of me. Their ugly skin commingles. Now, if they were fighting, that would be fun to watch. But THIS! Their shaggy foul-smelling bodies are worthless. Like chronic nose-pickers, their brazen public display is sickening. Get the fuck out of here!”
Finally our “hero” miraculously gets a small slice of wood and instantly dumps a watery load on her greasy stomach much to the delighted cheers (relief?) of the rest of the class. Now for the coup de grace as the school’s principal shows up, and in an utterly excruciating 10 minute sequence has sex with every shaggy hippy girl in the room, but does it all off screen behind a closed door while the camera alternates between the remaining bored students in the classroom.
I’ve seen a fair amount of classic porn, and much of it is enjoyable on some campy, goofy level, but SCHOOL FOR SEX is boring, poorly filmed, performed, and un-erotic on just about any level you could imagine.

Comments

Leave a Reply





  • Support The Gutter

  • The Book!

  • Of Note Elsewhere

    At Comics Alliance, Chris Sims talk abouts the art of lettering in comics. “Comic book lettering is up there with inking and coloring in the holy trinity of underrated comic book skills, but it’s also one of those things that, once you start paying attention to it, you’ll never be able to not notice it again. I’m not exaggerating even a little bit when I say that it’s one of those things that can absolutely ruin a comic if it’s done wrong, even if everything else is perfect. But to be honest, of those three elements, lettering is still probably the most underrated. The thing is, when it’s good, it can be absolutely gorgeous in its own right. And fortunately for us, there are a lot of people who do it very, very well.”

    ~

    Comics Alliance suggests seven Star Wars comics to read before Disney makes them disappear. (Including a comic by one of Comics Editor Carol’s favorite creative teams–Corinna Bechko and Gabriel Hardman). “Starting in 2015, Disney’s handing the publishing of any and all new Star Wars comics over to Marvel Comics, with an all new, optimized-for-corporate-synergy canon that will spread across all their media platforms. Anything that’s not a movie (especially one of the Original Trilogy movies), or a Clone Wars cartoon, will be unceremoniously Order 66-ed out of existence, giving future filmmakers a clean-ish slate to make movies (and money) on. But what about all those Dark Horse comics? That’s where we come in with 7 Dark Horse Star Wars comics you should track down before they disappear.”

    ~

    At the New York Observer, Ashley Steves writes about Craig Ferguson’s The Late, Late Show. “No one could ever prepare you for watching an episode of Ferguson’s Late Late Show. A friend could not sit you down and explain it (“Well, it’s really meta and deconstructive and there’s a horse”). There was really no good way to recommend it. It was something you discovered and became a part of. You had to stumble upon it on your own, perhaps restless or bored or simply curious while flipping through channels when your eye quickly caught some of the madness. And that’s the best part. It was an unexpected gift. At its worst, it could still send you to bed grinning and comforted. At its best, it was art. It was silly and fun and truly not like any other late night show.”

    ~

    At Comics Alliance, Chris Sims interviews Ed Brubaker about his work on Batman, Gotham Central and Catwoman. “When I look back at [Catwoman], I’m so proud of the first 25 issues of that book, when I felt like everything was firing on all cylinders. I probably should’ve left when Cameron Stewart left instead of sticking around. That’s one of those things I look back at and think “Ah, I had a perfect run up until then!” (Incidentally, Comics Editor Carol’s first piece for the Gutter was about Brubaker’s first 25 issues of Catwoman).

    ~

    At Sequential Art, Greg Carpenter writes a lovely piece about Charles Schulz’ Peanuts. “After only two installments, Schulz had solidified the rules for his comic strip.  Random acts of cruelty would punctuate this irrational world, and Schulz’s trapped little adults would be forced to act out simulations of human behavior, using hollow gestures to try to create meaning in a universe where no other meaning was evident.  If Shakespeare’s Macbeth had been a cartoonist, the results of his daily grind, “tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow,” might have looked somewhat similar—each character a “poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage” until he or she was heard from no more.”

    ~

    The Smithsonian Magazine has a gallery of US spy satellite launches. “Just as NASA creates specially designed patches for each mission into space, [National Reconnaissance Office] follows that tradition for its spy satellite launches. But while NASA patches tend to feature space ships and American flags, NRO prefers wizards, Vikings, teddy bears and the all-seeing eye. With these outlandish designs, a civilian would be justified in wondering if NRO is trolling.”

    ~

  • Spilling into Twitter

  • Obsessive?

    Then you might be interested in knowing you can subscribe to our RSS feed, find us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter or Tumblr.

    -------

  • Weekly Notifications

  • What We’re Talking About

  • Thanks To

    No Media Kings hosts this site, and Wordpress autoconstructs it.

  • %d bloggers like this: